


In Darkness And In Light

by violethoure666



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: AU, Almost Meta, Character Study, Dark Rey, Emotions, F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Force Bond, Inappropriate Use of the Force, Kinda, Lemons, Limes, Masturbation, Rated E For Later, Rey's internal monologue is a mess, Reylo - Freeform, Sharing a Bed, That's Not How The Force Works, UST, What else is new, alien fruit, light lemon zest on everything, lonely space kids, making hux uncomfortable, soft boi solo, this might be a trash fic idk, who's being torn apart inside now?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 12:41:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13411476
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/violethoure666/pseuds/violethoure666
Summary: She was okay, coming here had obviously been a major mistake but not one that cost her her life and why? Because of the kindness of Kylo Ren? It didn't make sense, she couldn't be sure that this wasn't an elaborate trap. It didn't escape her that he had asked her to embrace her dark side, perhaps he thought she was weak, that if she gave in a little under the pretense of saving herself, the real darkness would swallow her whole. If that was the case, he underestimated her, and she had no choice to play along. Calling him on his bluff would only force him to change tactics.~~~~~Rey shows up on The Supremecy and Kylo is like UHHH we gotta get you out of here so pretend you defected, and Rey is like UHHH are you just trying to convert me to the dark side cos ???? and so they don't know what they're doing but they're doing it together and pretending to be in love.





	1. ONE

  
She should never have come here. She had been blinded by his loneliness, the desperation she felt to connect with him that once she had seen the vision, the one of them standing side by side, once she had felt that feeling of...contentment, family, she couldn't think about anything else except being by his side. It was a mistake.

She was immediately put into cuffs and taken into a cell.

It was more than an hour before the door opened and Ben, Kylo...steped inside.  
"Why are you doing this to me?" She asked and her voice cracked on the words despite her anger and resolve.

"You shouldn't have come here." He whispered. "Unless...are you defecting?" There was hope in his voice and it made her blood boil.  
"I'd rather die," she spat out. "I thought, I saw us together and I thought..." she trailed off. She had thought he would join her, that she could come and take him away from all of this. That had been stupid, obviously.  
"Rey listen to me, I can get you out but you have to trust me and you have to listen." Somhow he managed to look both looked terrified and fortified. What was he sacred of? And trust him? He had just put her in handcuffs how could she trust him? But she could feel force between them, and her logical brian warred with an innate knowledge that he was going to help her.  
"Can't we just...can't we go? You and me, we can go back to the rebels we can-"  
"Rey they will kill me, if not outright than with a mutiny, please listen to me I can get you out."  
"What about you? Will you..."  
He looked at her, the bones of his face catching the half light, his eyes huge and dark. She knew the answer. He wasn't going to come with her.  
"I'm going to keep you safe, and get you out but you need to trust me. I can't shield you from Snoke if you fight me. He needs to believe it."  
"Believe what?"  
"That you- you love me," his voice almost cracked on the words, "and that that's enough for you to defect and join us. He needs to think the darkness in you has consumed the light and Rey, you need to let it."  
Her heart was slamming.  
"Ben I can't-"  
"Then you're as good as dead."

The silence was thick, and Rey realized this wasn't about principles, this wasn't about what she wanted, it wasn't even about her and Ben, it was about survival.  
This was her way out.  
"What do I have to do?"

 

 

On the surface it was simple. She just had to believe that she was here for Ben, and really she was, wasn't she? It wasn't such a stretch that he had swayed her, it wasn't such a stretch that she could love him. Luke had felt darkness in her, and she was glad because it meant that Snoke would feel it too.

Ben was massive and imposing beside her, arguably the most terrifying thing in the hallway of The Supremacy, a black ink stain against white walls and a white floor. He should terrify her but the closer to him  
she stood, the more protected she felt.

"Supreme leader," Ben's voice was low and rough and so, so steady.  
"Ah, you bring me good news," Snoke said.  
"Rey and I, we have known for some time that if we stood side by side, the balance of the force would be tipped in our favor. The pull to one another is-" he trailed off and turned to face her, brought a gloved hand up to her face and she shivered.  
Rey spoke now.  
"I found I couldn't stay away," she said. And it was true, all of what Ben had said was true. He was so clever and a small surge inside of her felt proud of him, of them. Snoke must have felt it.  
"Good, this is good. Ren, I trust you will begin her training right away. She is, of course, welcome to your quarters."  
"Thank you supreme leader," Rey said, and Ben took her hand to lead her from the chamber.

It hadn't occurred to her that part of this ruse would mean staying with Ben in his rooms, but as she followed him through a door she was suddenly surprised by the intimacy of the space. There wasn't anything particularly personal about the room, everything was standard black and white, but there was a bookshelf piled with books on the Jedi, the Sith, philosophy, the force. Leather bound journals she itched to flip through. It was a simple room, a large bed with dark blankets and a dresser. A couch along one wall, the bookshelf. It smelled like him, she had caught he scent through their force bond when she was on Ahch-To but this was so much closer, spice and cloves and something earthy and wet. She pictured him sleeping here alone, sitting here while connecting with her lightyears away.

"You can shower in there," he nodded toward the bathroom. "I'll leave you some clothes to wear when you get out."  
"Will you be here?" It was ridiculous, just weeks ago she would have been terrified to be alone with him and now she was terrified he would leave her. He swallowed, adam's apple bobbing as he nodded. She headed into the Fresher.

The hot water gave her time to think. Time to recalibrate. She was okay, coming here had obviously been a major mistake but not one that cost her her life and why? Because of the kindness of Kylo Ren? It didn't make sense, she couldn't be sure that this wasn't an elaborate trap. It didn't escape her that he had asked her to embrace her dark side, perhaps he thought she was weak, that if she gave in a little under the pretense of saving herself, the real darkness would swallow her whole. If that was the case, he underestimated her, and she had no choice to play along. Calling him on his bluff would only force him to change tactics.

She finished her shower and stepped out, there was a folded pile of clothes on the counter. They were ink black and bright red, the kind of blood red that scavengers coughed into napkins after years of breathing fiberglas dust.

She dressed, the dark robes came down to her knees and red wrap, like a sleeveless loose cardigan, fell in rolls down her sides. All he skin except her face, her hands and her bare feet were covered when she walked back into the bedroom.

"I got you some boots, I think they're you're size. It's hard to find shoes so small."

"Thank you," she sat down on the couch and began to lace up the heavy black boots.

"You're sure you're ready for this?" He looked unsure, hovering in the middle of the room, feet away from her. His face was...interesting. She wanted to look at it and keep looking at it and maybe touch it. She had really thought when she came here that he would come away with her and the idea of him keeping her here with him instead made her blood run cold. She wasn't sure before if she wanted him, she had thought about kissing him when he had appeared to her by the fire but it had been dwarfed by the prospect of tipping the force back into the favor of the light. Now, she wasn't sure if she wanted to kiss him at all, although she had the desire to *something*, maybe crush his hand in hers as hard as she could or dig her nails into his cheek. She couldn't tell where the line between desire and violence was and it frightened her, she had never felt an overwhelming amount of either one before.

"Just tell me what I have to do."

They were sitting next to each other on the couch, not touching.  
"Snoke is going to expect you to be eager, and he is going to test you."  
"How?" Rey asked.  
"I don't know, but it will likely be distasteful."  
"Will I have to kill anyone?"  
"Probably. Knowing him, he will observe you and prime you for a bit first, he's going to want you to follow him and he won't push you immediately. He believes that I am prepping you as well. Eventually, he will make you kill someone you love."  
Rey blanched. She was thinking about Han. Kylo's eyes were heavy on hers and for a moment she wondered if he was worried Snoke would have her kill him. He continued speaking.

"The goal is to get you out before that. I figure we have about one week, two at the most. We just need to avert suspicion. I have a tremendous amount of free reign when Snoke is pleased, and once he is fairly certain you want to be here, he won't think it odd if I take you off the ship. But we can't rush it, and Rey," his hand settled on her arm and she flinched, but didn't pull back. "We have to make it look convincing."  
"What do you mean?" She asked.  
"I mean you can't flinch away when I touch you," Kylo said, his voice was hard but his eyes were large and soft. He looked suddenly...nervous.  
"Emotions cloud judgment, they make it easier to just...slip into the darkness. Snoke is going to expect me to be doing everything I can to elicit an emotional response from you."

  
He said emotional like it meant terrible and Rey wondered if what he really meant was Sexual. All three words seemed synonymous when it came to him.

  
If he was hoping to lure to the dark side, he was giving her fair warning. Or maybe just making sure she wouldn't fight him. Fighting him was not an option. She was in survival mode, she was deep undercover, a spy. When she was a girl she had gotten ahold of an old comic book about a spy who traveled the galaxy and made up different identities all in the name of peace and The Republic. Thinking of herself as a spy, as someone with a secret mission, made this easier. She wouldn't fight him, but she wouldn't loose herself in this either.  
"I can do this," she said.  
"I know." Kylo said, and he sounded so sure, it almost made her smile.


	2. TWO

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo and Rey spar and then have a light lunch with Hux.

The first thing Kylo did was lead her into a large chamber with a padded floor and walls full of weapons.   
"Are you going to fight me?" She asked, and it wasn't as teasing as it sounded in her head, it came out worried and unsure.

"I'm going to teach you how to fight like a Sith, or like a Jedi I suppose." He shrugged his oversized shoulders and gestured at the walls. "Take your pick."  
He clearly meant, come pick a weapon, and not, pick your fighting style and align with either the dark or the light, so she began to pace along the walls and look at light sabers. She felt herself being called to one in particular and she used the force to bring it into her hand.  
"Good," Kylo said, his voice was a low rumble that she felt in her gut. She felt the saber flare to life in her hands. It was yellow, the energy of the blade well contained and thinner than the wild fire of Kylo's own. He had no weapon drawn now, he circled around her, giving her plenty of room.   
"Let me see what you can do."   
Rey felt her heart steady in her chest, she planted her feet and let the energy of the force wash through her, the light saber was an extension of herself and she moved fluidly. She was showing off, only a little, but Kylo was already aware of what she was capable of after battling her in the forest. She moved quickly, strong and sure. Her body rushing and slamming with utmost control. When she finally stopped and looked back at Kylo, his dark eyes were bright and his lips slightly parted.

  
"You've been practicing," he said softly.  
"Yes."  
"You're amazing," he said it like it was a fact and not a compliment but it made her blush anyway. He circled around behind her and brought his gloved hands to her shoulders, black on black. He pressed down and whispered "spread your legs," before bringing his hands to her hips to widen her stance. Her breathing was fast, she was thankful for the full coverage of her clothes and his gloves because she was irrationally afraid of having his hands on her and she wasn't sure why.   
"Bend your knees, you'll be quicker like that. It gives you the option to get out of the way faster. Your offensive stance is great but you need to work on defense if you don't want to get taken out."

  
She didn't ask who would be taking her out, this whole thing was still bizarre. How could he want her to get away from all of this but be so willing to stay in it himself? It was too big for her to dissect right now so she threw herself into training and they began to spar. They moved slowly at first, he was demonstrating the various ways she could be attacked and teaching her to look for the warning signs. Soon their speed increased, and not only could she see the warning signs of his blows but she could sense his actions before he made them. Something thick and tangible was moving between them and their movements became magnetic. It felt good. She was one with the light saber and with the floor beneath her and with Kylo's movements. Their sabers came together in a glorious blow and sparks flew off toward both of them and she was left staring into his eyes. The last time they had been in this stance she wanted to kill him, and now she felt the same intensity of emotion but it was scattered in different directions. His eyes were squinted but unblinking and his stance softened. Both sabers went out.

He was out of breath, just as she was, his hair matted against his forehead and he looked...beautiful.

"That was good, better than I expected even." His voice was steady which surprised her, pulling her back into her body. "Are you hungry?"   
She was, starving actually. She nodded. She didn't put the saber back, she tucked it into her belt and he eyed it but didn't say anything.

They left the training room and he placed a hand on her back to guide her. She looked up at him sharply.   
"Remember, no flinching," he said. She had to look like she wanted him, and it and easier than she would have thought to lean into his touch and smile up at him. His eyes searched her face for a moment, and then softened. He didn't smile, but she didn't really expect him to. He lead her into the mess hall.

It was midday, so there were a handful of people milling around, most of them beneath Kylo's rank.   
"We can't eat in your room?" she asked.  
"We could, but I think it's important for us to not act like we're hiding," he whispered. "I would want to- to show you off."  
Rey felt a stupid surge of pride at that and tried to ignore what it meant.

He guided her to a table where she sat while he went to retrieve two plates of food. As soon as he had walked away, someone else sat down. Rey looked up into an unpleasantly scrunched face, ginger hair and a sour mouth.

"So, the Jedi princess has come to the dark side, how wildly convenient for us."  
Rey remembered Kylo's words. No flinching. She let her insecurities slide away and she channeled her alger ego, Spy Rey, Dark Rey.   
"Then I suppose you should be thanking me," she said. "You're Hux right?"   
Hux smirked sourly at her.   
Just then, Kylo reappeared, sitting down next to Rey and sliding a plate of plain looking rations in front of her.   
She turned a beaming face toward him, "Thank you, you really worked up my appetite back there."  
She let the innuendo hang in the air for Hux's benefit.   
"You were amazing," Kylo said again but this time it sounded less like a fact and   
more like an endearment and Rey would have liked to shrink away from the intensity of it but instead she brought her own gloved hand up to his face and ran his fingers along the scar she had given him. She felt a small tremor under his skin and his eyes looked wild. He was good at this, she hoped she could look as lost in him as he did in her.  
"So," Hux broke in, "You're sure Ren doesn't have you under some kind of spell? What made you leave your precious rebels behind."  
"Before Kylo I had never felt...wanted. I had always been ashamed of my darkness, always had to keep this huge part of me secret because I thought it was the worst of me. He showed me that there is nothing wrong with my baser instincts, that the Jedi preach a hypocrisy of lies and repression," she spat the words out. "I want more."  
Hux looked relatively mollified and Kylo was watching with her with the same strange intensity he never bothered to hide. Maybe that's why he had worn the mask, he couldn't seem to school his features away from this raw intensity. Or maybe it was an act, just as her words were. They were, right? It didn't feel like a lie exactly. Her legs shook slightly under the table.   
"So you mean to tell me that his...charms...wooed you from the light?" Hux sounded doubtful.  
Rey spoke carefully.   
"I think- I was already straying on my own. But yes," she looked up at Kylo, "ultimately I just wanted to be with him."   
Hux had narrowed his eyes at them.   
Kylo brought a hand, still gloved, up to her face and she could feel Hux watching them, right on the edge of disbelief so she leaned across the table and pressed her lips into Kylo's. This had to be believable, it had to seem real, real enough for her to change her values. He was warm and still under her for a moment, and then he was fire as one hand found her waist and the other pulled her in closer and his lips moved to devour her. Something huge and heavy unwound inside her chest to whisper yes yes yes yes. She could feel the force, the balance of the entire universe twining between them, binding them like ropes. When she pulled away it took her a moment to remember where she was, and when that came back it took another moment to remember why she had done it. Hux was looking at them with a new kind of interest, no longer suspicious but immensely curious. She would take it.   
She brought her fork back to her plate but found that her appetite had disappeared and all she could feel was the place on her hip where Kylo's fingers had held her in place only moments before. No flinching, that was for sure.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> woooo chapter two. pls comment/kudos/validate me and i will try to get the rest up tonight.


	3. THREE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I literally spent 20 minutes googling alien fruit so you're welcome.

After lunch, Rey was able to stomach an entire portion of rations despite feeling less than hungry, Kylo told her that he had work to do and that she could rest in his room and to make herself comfortable. He said he would be back in a few hours and that they could eat dinner alone if she wanted to. She did.

When she was back in his room she rinsed off the sweat from her fight and tied her hair up in a single loose bun. She walked around his room naked which felt illicit and dangerous, as thought he might come in at any second. She hadn't brought anything with her except the clothes she had worn so she put her old pants on and searched his drawer for something soft. She found a plain long sleeve undershirt, black, and slipped it on. She looked through all of his drawers, noting his plain black briefs and endless black clothing options. She laid in his bed and smelled his pillows. She counted the wall panels along the room, then she counted the books on the shelf, there were 53.

She wandered over to the bookshelf. She didn't dare touch the journals, she didn't want to pry and even more than that she didn't want to anger him, but she pulled one of the books on Jedi Mind Tricks off the shelf and flipped it open on the couch. The book looked well loved, and inside the front cover in messy scrawl were the words Ben Solo Age 11.

Her heart hurt, and she had to take a moment to close her eyes and find her breath. She tried to picture little Ben, and suddenly she could see him so clearly, not just see him but feel him too. His excitement, his eagerness to please his father, his fear that he would disappoint. His deep, deep loneliness. The ugliness he felt at his own thoughts. His self loathing. He was so clear, it was as if she was looking into a mirror and seeing his reflection instead of herself.   
She could feel his isolation and also her own, the first time she had tried, and failed, to cook her own food and how hungry she had been, weak and heavy limbed pulling metal from the sand. Their pain felt twinned, doubled, sickly intense.  
She wanted to hold him, to tell him everything would be okay, the desire to do so filled her mouth like blood and she choked, dropping the book on the floor.   
Her heart was a twisted mess as the images were slowly bled from her mind. That wasn't her imagination, that was-

  
The door flew open and Kylo stood, backlit by the sterile hallway. She was afraid of him suddenly, although her fear did nothing to dampen her desire to go to him, to hold him.  
"Ben-" Rey choked the words out in a rasp and in an instant he was beside her, the door closing them into the half light of his room and he was on his knees next to her.   
"What was that?!" She asked.  
"You...How did you do that?"  
She had expected anger and the calm gentleness she found instead was another shock to her system. He looked like he wanted to touch her, hands like hummingbirds near her face, her neck, her back, so near but never touching her.   
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean-"  
"I know, I saw you too. I was thinking about you and then suddenly you were there and it was like..."  
"Like I was you," she finished. He nodded, he looked wild eyed and young and utterly thrown off. His full lips parted, breath coming shallow and uneven. His hair was still mussed from their workout this morning.

She realized now why he was afraid to touch her, it seemed like there was a direct line between them and that they only barely toyed with the frayed edges of it. Besides their kiss, the only skin to skin contact they had was through the force bond on Ahch-To, and she had fled across the galaxy to get closer. Now mere hours after pressing her lips to his she was, what? Feeling his feelings? Sharing memories? Fuck.

She closed her eyes because she couldn't come down from this feeling and she was worried she would cry or worse, kiss him again in a desperate attempt at getting another fix.

He slid down next to her on the floor.   
"Are you- okay?" He asked, and the tenderness in his voice made her eyes hot.   
"No, how could I be?" She asked, and she wasn't talking about the visions she was talking about all of it.   
"I came here because I wanted..." She trailed off and shook her head.   
"What do you want Rey?"  
"It doesn't matter what I wanted, all I want now is to get out of here." She looked at him, the rest of the sentence unspoken. _With you. I want to get out of here with you_ , but she had asked already and he had said no and she wasn't going to beg him.   
"I'm sorry," she whispered, "I know you're helping me, I don't know why but...thank you."   
"Don't you?" He sounded genuinely surprised. He shook his head a little, picked the book up and brought it back to the shelf.   
"I'm going to shower, then I have a surprise for you."  
Rey nodded, she felt like she was slowly losing a buzz and sliding into withdrawal but she watched him walk away without protest, wondering what in the galaxy Kylo Ren considered a surprise.

  
He emerged from the shower after about 15 minutes, his hair was wet and his skin was flush and he was in a simple black tee shirt and loose fitting black pants and he looked...human. It made Rey irrationally upset with him because he looked soft and attainable and very, very male. She couldn't stop staring and his overlarge ears went pink at the top.

"Uhm, what's the surprise?" She asked, trying to break the strange spell. His eyes lit up and a ghost of a smile turned his lips up. He held a finger up and disappeared into what must have been a utility closet of some sort. When he came back he had a large plate with an assortment of brightly colored fruit and crackers and jam.

Now it was her turn to smile, fruit had been nonexistent on Jakku.

"Ive never seen seen that much fruit in one place," she marveled. He was watching her curiously as she walked up to look at the plate.   
"I don't even know what most of these are," she said.  
"Come sit with me and you can try them."

He put the trey on the low table and she sat next to him on the couch, not touching.

"What is that?!" She was pointing at a giant chunks of striated, glowing fruit.   
"That's Jogan fruit," he picked up a slice. "It's pretty common, and very sweet. Try it."  
Rey did, the rush of sugar on her tongue made her squeak and she blushed in embarrassment.  
"Sorry! I don't normally eat sugar, actually before a few weeks ago I had only ever had rations."   
He looked unreasonably sad at her statement and picked up another piece of strange fruit.   
"Try this," he said and placed the fruit against her lips. She opened her mouth and he let it go. It was less sweet but immediately she felt her blood rushing through her veins.   
"Aurillian," he whispered, "it's meant to be...invigorating."   
That was one word for it. She watched as Ben (he seemed more Ben than Kylo, here in the quiet eating fruit with her) took a slice and ate it as well, his pupils growing in his already dark eyes. Her skin tingled and she giggled at the sensation. To her surprise so did he. It wasn't really a giggle to be fair, just a rush of air through his lips and a real smile. Watching him smile felt better than the Aurillian fruit, she was high on the sound of his small laugh.

  
"Try this one too, Bloom Fruit," he was loose limbed now, and picked up a small dark fruit that stained his fingers and brought it to her lips, less tentative this time. She opened for him.  
This one was sour, and almost electric, like licking a battery and she reached out for him blindly, hand settling on his knee. He drew in a sharp breath and popped a piece into his mouth as well. She was on fire, she wasn't sure what was stronger, the electric Bloom Fruit or her hand on Ben's leg but he clearly felt it too because it wasn't just her body that was electric it was his too and the air around them. She let out another little laugh and her fingers tightened on him.   
He was watching her with glassy eyes and a half smile. The rush of the Bloom Fruit slowly subsided and he showed her others that didn't effect her entire body but made her tongue feel thick and and sweet like marsh-fruit and pumpkin. He was so delicate beside her, feeding her fruit and watching her with that raw intensity that never seemed to leave him, even when he was quiet in bed clothes with wet hair and pink ears.   
Suddenly the deepest wave of sadness hit her and her wanted frantically to stay. He must have sensed the shift in her.  
"It can feel weird to come down, here drink this," he handed her a warm glass of steaming, mint scented milk. She sipped it and indeed the urgency and desperation of her sadness ebbed away but not the root. She wanted to stay, stay, stay.

When they were full and sleepy, Rey yawned and stretched languidly, Ben declared it was bedtime.   
"I'll take the couch," he said.  
"No! Ben it's your bed please, I would feel horrible. You've done so much for me and I- please let me do this."   
He studied her for a moment and she felt naked under his gaze, she felt her face flush.  
"I mean, we could share it. It's a big bed and I won't-" He trailed off.  
Won't what? Touch her? Was that a good thing?   
"Okay," her voice was small as they walked over to the giant, ridiculously soft bed.   
"What side?"   
Ben looked at the bed, then at her.  
"I kind of just," he waved his arms "starfish out in the middle so you can pick."   
She smiled, still giddy from the fruit and from touching him and slid into the left side of the bed. He took the right. The lights dimmed into darkness and then there was only the sound of his breathing beside her.   
"Goodnight Ben," she whispered.  
"Goodnight Rey."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was fluffier than i meant to be but lol greif is weird and i've had the worst week so here's a fluffy ass chapter. pls let me know what you think.


	4. FOUR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> some light smut and angst ahead

Rey was so exhausted before she got into bed that she could hardly keep her eyes open. Once she was laying down next to Ben, she was wired. It was like the Bloom Fruit all over again only this heat was lower, pooling in her stomach and making her wet between her thighs. Was this a side effect? It didn't seem to be effecting Ben, he was breathing slow and steady beside her. She could feel the heat from his body, smell his soap on both of them. She felt like her skin was too tight, like she was on the edge of something but didn't know what it was and she definitely couldn't just lay back and fall asleep. She slipped quietly from the bed and into the bathroom. She went pee, half expecting that relief to carry over into whatever else she was feeling but it didn't help. She debated just getting back into bed, but she thought about Ben, the massive curve of his body, his dinner plate hands with pale, scarred skin and her brain supplied her an image, his hands on her body, covering her breasts, trailing down lower, lower to dip beneath her pants. She gasped. She had never thought about anything like this so distinctly. It was usually a vague need, when she touched herself it was a means to an end or perhaps the idea of some faceless man on top of her but this was, different. The thoughts didn't seem to be coming from  
outside of herself like the image of Ben as a kid but they certainly seemed to arrive fully formed. Thick fingers, she thought, as she slipped her own slim ones inside of her, rocking back and forth on the toilet seat as she fucked herself. She thought of Ben's face when he sparred with her, sweaty and red, of his lips parted in a breathy laugh while eating the fruit, of the shape of his thigh under her hand. Something was building inside her now, she was close. Another image, Ben pushing her against the wall of the weapons room. She hadn't thought about it when they had been in there, the force of his body, sweat soaked and rough, but she was thinking about it now. She moved her thumb to rub her clit and bit down on her fist as her body spasmed and clenched around her fingers. She huffed out a breath. She was tired now, still a little on edge but not too much to sleep and she quietly washed her hands in the sink and slipped back into bed.

She figured Ben was sleeping, didn't even consider her strange force bond until he said "Sweet dreams."

She froze. Did he know what she had done in there? Could he possibly know? The bottom dropped out of Rey's stomach at the thought, but if he did he didn't seem to want to comment on it. He just slowly brought one of his giant hands over to rest on her stomach, and with the weight and heat of his skin so close to her, she fell asleep quickly.

She woke early in the morning and couldn't move. It took her few drowsy seconds to understand why. In his sleep, Ben had curled around her, leg thrown over her, knee pressed to hip bone, face close in by her neck. She froze, or rather, she continued not to move. She didn't want to wake him, didn't want him to pull away from her. His entire body wasn't flush against her but as she shifted closer in to him she could feel the line of cock, hard against her side. All the blood rushed first into her ears with a whoooosh and then down lower. She was both embarrassed and aroused and the combination was doing something weird to her. Carefully, she extracted from beneath Ben to head into the bathroom. He let out a soft sound of protest when she wiggled away, but didn't force her to stay.

It was...cute. Fuck it was really cute. What the fuck. She went into the bathroom and locked the door.

This was bad. She could not be doing this, spooning with Kylo Ren, and getting off in his bathroom to the smell of his soap and the ridiculous idea of him fucking her against a wall. It had been a mistake to come here. By all rights, she should be dead. Barring that, she ASKED him to come back with her and he told her no. He was sure that he would be killed and honestly, Rey wasn't sure he was wrong. She just thought she could keep him safe. She thought he could keep himself safe, for fuck sake he was Kylo-Ren, he was absolutely terrifying he destroyed entire planets without blinking he had murdered children!

He had murdered children and also he fed her strange glowing fruit and did indeed "starfish" around the middle of his bed even when that meant absorbing Rey into him and ohh wasn't that just what Kylo Ren had done! But it wasn't Kylo Ren, was it? In fact she hadn't seen Kylo Ren since the forest on Takodana. The man she had been speaking to on Ahch-To, the person in bed right now wasn't the same person. This was Ben Solo. Somehow she had managed to get to Ben Solo back and she was terrified she would lose him again. She thought of what it would do to her to see Kylo in all his former glory and had to  
clutch the counter for balance.

She could not lose herself in this. She had to get out, to get back to her friends, to Finn, who was probably worried sick and Leia and...she closed her eyes. She wasn't emotionally prepared to talk herself into leaving, she thought leaving would be the easy part, that getting through this would be hard but it wasn't. All she wanted was to go back to bed and lay down next to Ben and listen to him breath and maybe put his hand on her stomach again.

So Rey left the bathroom and got back into bed.

The bed was still warm, and Ben had curled in on himself a bit more in her absence but he spoke when she laid down.   
"Are you done panicking?" He asked her.  
"What?! I wasn't, why would you say that?"   
Ben turned his face to her, hair messed from sleep, lips even fuller than normal and did that half smile.   
"Can't you feel me? I can feel you. Even when I can't get the specifics, like yesterday when you willingly connected, it's never been that clear but I can feel your general...mood."   
"No you can't," Rey said, definitely actually panicking.  
"Rey you can too, if you don't know that it's only because you're not listening or you're not listening to _where_  moods are coming from." He was propped up on his elbow facing her, voice low from sleep and it was twisting something inside her. She tried to reach out into the force, into Ben, and feel what he was feeling and she realized that it was mostly contentment, a little bit of arrogance and a little bit of pride but just, peace. She had been calm around him, even when she felt like she shouldn't be, was this why? What the fuck was Ben Solo so calm about?   
"See, I can feel you panicking."   
"Shit," she said. Her mind flashed traitorously to the scene in the bathroom last night before she shut down on it, they were too connected right now, skin next to skin, sleepy and warm. She didn't want him knowing if he didn't already. One of his eyebrows had raised just fractionally but other than that there was no difference.   
"How are you so calm right now?" Rey asked. Ben flushed, and shook his head.   
"I don't know, I'm just...I'm okay?" He said it like it was a question. "I shouldn't be and I don't know why I am but it's like with you near me everything is just kinda...quiet. I don't feel rushed, I don't feel angry, I feel like..." He trailed off.  
"You feel what?" She whispered. In this space, this quiet early hour, she felt raw and dangerous.  
"Like myself. Like Ben."   
Rey couldn't help it, she let her fingers creep over to him and put her hands against his arms, his biceps were huge and made her hands look small and she shivered. He scooted a little bit closer to her, not consuming like he had been in sleep, but curious and present and almost catlike. His hands came up to cover smaller ones and he gently pressed his forehead against hers. She could feel the calm now, but under that something else. Not fear, or anger, but an understanding that getting her out would likely be bloody, that it left a good chance he would not be welcomed back into First Order after mutiny, that saving Rey might very well be the thing that killed him.

  
They laid like that for a long time, until it was much too late to justify staying in bed and Ben called dibs on the first shower and left Rey in a strange kind of mood. She was able to shower after Ben, letting the water wash away any tension and she decided that she was going to ask Ben to come away with her again. It didn't seem like it could be worse than staying here. She just had to wait until she thought he was calm and ready, which surprisingly, didn't seem that far off.

Rey dressed in black, again covering almost all of her skin down to her wrists and ankles, then more so with boots and gloves. The bright red wrap the only color in the palette. Ben was dressed impeccably as well and and they stood side by side, looking into his mirror before they left. They looked powerful, intense, two halves of a whole and so, so dark. Rey felt Ben shiver, not physically but internally with some kind of deep satisfaction at the sight of them. She knew what he meant, this felt right. She brought a hand up to his shoulder.  
"Are you ready?" He asked her. She nodded. "Remember," he said, "you love me."  
Her heart flipped and she turned her eyes to him in surprise before remembering their fake relationship. Right.   
"I know," she said softly. He swallowed and she followed him out into the hall.

They took breakfast in the mess, blissfully Hux was nowhere to be seen. They were able to eat in peace, side by side. More plain rations but Rey didn't care. There real Caf and it was hot and bitter and delicious. After food Kylo gave her a formal tour of the ship. She could feel him so much better now that she wasn't fighting it, and he was saying *remember this, know your exits, know how to get out* as he showed her control rooms, utility closets, escape pods, the hanger with all of the TIE fighters tethered. The ship was massive and it took them well into the afternoon to study it.   
"Are you hungry?"   
"Honestly no, I'm not used to eating more than once a day."   
"Good, me either. Let's spar instead."

They were even better than yesterday, they moved blindingly fast and again she felt him urging her to feel his motions, move with him like clockwork, it was so important. They needed to be able to fight together, they needed to be unstoppable.

Rey was panting, hair matted to her face and heart beating strong and fast. Ben was out of breath too, the muscles she could see in his neck were corded and strong, face damp and flushed with exertion and she felt an undeniable rush of _want_ and didn't bother to tuck it away. She didn't care if he knew it, it felt like it could consume her. They weren't fighting anymore, just standing there out of breath. She thought again of how they looked side by side in the mirror, of his hand on her belly in the night, of his half smile and bright eyes on the couch. Suddenly she got images too, her own face scrunched up at the taste of sugar, her strong powerful stance as she wielded the light saber. She could feel Ben's surprise and then delight when she had kissed him in front of Hux. She saw herself and she looked...beautiful. Was this how he saw her? She had never thought of herself as particularly pretty but through his eyes she was...

The door to the training room flew open. The images flickered out as Rey snapped her head to see who had come in. She had expected Hux and feared it would be Snoke but instead there was an imposing figure, masked and covered completely in armor. The voice was, surprisingly, female.

"Well, well. I am surprised that Snoke has allowed you to keep your little Pet, Kylo Ren."

"Phasma," Ben said, and it was as much a warning as a greeting.

"Honestly though, why do you think he would entertain your whims like this? What is your endgame Ren. You think you and your...girlfriend are just going to live happily ever after here? If he has her here it's because he thinks she is powerful, because she is a weapon to him. Maybe she makes you stronger or maybe he is waiting, clinking two glasses together to see which one breaks first and which is the stronger tool."

Rey could feel Ben's anger rising up in him, hot and cloying and she felt it in herself too.

"Really, imagine what people will say if he chooses her over you. This nobody, scavenger scum from the middle of fucking Jakku-"

Phasma was standing in front of them and then she wasn't. Ben had lifted his hand and in an instant she was pinned against the far wall, gasping and grabbing at her throat. Some part of Rey said _don't_ but it wasn't her voice and she felt a rush of pleasure at watching Ben defend her so completely. She came to stand at his side, cocked her head at Phasma and said slowly, "Are you going to kill her?"  
"Do you want me to?"   
Rey considered for a moment, or pretended to consider, at least she took some pleasure in watching Phasma's leg kick out. It wasn't like she wouldn't have killed her herself if given the chance.   
"Might be a mess," she said.  
"I won't have to clean it." He said with a smirk.  
"Please," Phasma's choked words flew out a gasp.   
"Just leave her," Rey said, "I'm done with this."   
He released her with a flick of his wrist and put both hands on Rey's waist as they left the training room.

She was on fire, her want for him had been present for days before she got here and now it had grown wings and started breathing fire and fuck, she was shocked at how much his display had affected her. She could feel her blood beneath her skin and every breath she took seemed to reverberate through her. She allowed him to lead her back toward his room and marveled at how he seemed to be both Ben and Kylo now, with all of this passion coursing through them both and how she didn't seem to mind. She thought any display of rage and Kylo-ness would crush her but she felt more alive than she ever had because he seemed so in control, so willing to listen to her still. She felt good and she felt _want_ so deep she was trembling. They arrived back at his room and the second the door closed behind them he was in front of her, eyes wide and somehow nervous. He took off his gloves and she did the same, not moving her eyes from his face.   
"Rey,"   
"Yes, please," she said, answering a question he hadn't even asked and then he was on her, hungry mouth nipping at her neck as his hands found her waist and clawed at the layers of clothing. His fingers slipped under the fabric to drag across her skin and she let out a guttural noise of delight. He groaned and moved his mouth to hers to kiss her properly and she tangled her fingers in his hair. His mouth was hot and wet and it was a little bit sloppy and a little bit dirty and Rey had never wanted anything more in her life. She wanted to crush herself into him, to slip under his skin, to share blood and a heart beat. She never wanted to be away from him again.  
"Ben, please," she whispered and he let his lips slide down her throat to her collarbone, pushing damp fabric aside.  
"Ben, wait listen, please," she pulled back from him. His eyes were so dark they looked black, his lips swollen from kissing her, cheeks and ears pink.   
"Please come with me, I don't- I don't want to be away from you again."   
His face fell, crushed and he took a step back.   
"Rey you know I can't..."  
"Then what if I stay,"   
"No!" The words were so harsh she flinched. Did he really not want to be with her?  
"Rey, they will kill you. Or they will kill me, Phasma is an asshole but she's right. This, what we have right now... it's a fluke, it shouldn't have even been allowed, it's more than I deserve but it can't be something it's not. I will never go with you to the rebels and you will NOT stay with me here, this place, Snoke, all of it will crush out whatever good is in you, all of the things about you that I- that are important. Please Rey, you have to understand."   
She was crying, the kind of tears that fell hot and thick before you had the chance to try and fight them. None of this was fair.   
"I'm going to shower," she slipped away from him and he tried to pull her back.  
"Don't touch me!" She screamed, and his face fell even more, bottom lip trembling, but he let her walk away.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first the fluff and now the feels. idk what i'm doing w this story it's kind of becoming it's own thing but there should be two or three more chapters. again pls pls comment any little thing helps me so much.

**Author's Note:**

> More strange, intimate, lonely space kids. I wanted this to be a one shot but I've decided it's gonna be 5 rather short chapters all posted in the next 24 hours. 
> 
> If you like it PLS leave me a comment your validation fuels me and makes me write much faster. Let me know what you think and if there's anything you want to see as the story goes on.
> 
> About a week ago I lost my first love and my grief is SO weird and I am so deep into this fandom it is saving me but my stuff is a lot more emotional and potentially darker than it normally is so *shrug emoji*


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